Self-compassion is a concept often praised in mental health spaces—and for good reason. Treating yourself with the same care you’d offer a loved one has been linked to lower anxiety, greater emotional resilience, and improved overall well-being.
But what’s often left out of the conversation is just how difficult self-compassion can be, especially when one is in the midst of struggle.
For a lot of people, self-compassion doesn’t feel soothing. It feels foreign. Or frustrating. Or maybe even wrong. And that makes sense — especially if you’ve spent a long time being hard on yourself, believing you have to earn your worth, or carrying the message that struggling means you’re failing.
You may say things to yourself like:
“I should be over this by now.”
“Why can’t I just handle things better?”
“Other people have it worse — I shouldn’t complain.”
In moments like that, being kind to yourself can feel impossible.
The Internal Barrier
One of the most significant barriers to self-compassion is the belief that we must earn it. That we need to reach a certain level of “togetherness” before we’re allowed to rest, feel proud, or show ourselves some grace.
But the truth is that compassion isn’t a prize for figuring it all out. We need compassion most when things feel messy, uncertain, or painful.
Unfortunately, when we’re already in a hard place, our inner critic tends to get the loudest. For some people, that harsh voice has been with them for so long that it feels like the only way to stay motivated, in control, or protected.
If that’s you — if being self-critical has felt like your way of surviving — that’s not something to be ashamed of. There’s usually a good reason we learn to treat ourselves the way we do, even if it’s not helping anymore.
Why It’s So Hard to Be Gentle with Ourselves
If self-compassion feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or unsafe… you’re not doing something wrong. You’re probably bumping up against old beliefs or experiences — things that taught you that gentleness was weakness, that your pain wasn’t valid, or that love had to be earned.
We often carry internal messages from childhood, school, relationships, or even our culture that say, “Toughen up,” or “Stop being so sensitive.” Those messages can stick with us and become the way we talk to ourselves.
So when someone says, “Just be kind to yourself,” it can feel like they’re speaking another language.
Starting Where You Are
You don’t need to jump from self-judgment to self-love overnight. Trying to force compassion can sometimes feel inauthentic or overwhelming. Starting with something smaller is okay: awareness, curiosity, or even just naming your experience.
Some ways to begin:
- Acknowledge the difficulty: “This is hard right now.” Simple statements like this can begin to disrupt cycles of self-blame.
- Notice your tone: How would you speak to a friend? What happens when you try to talk to yourself in the same way?
- Practice neutrality: If kindness feels too far, aim for a neutral stance — something like, “This is what’s happening right now,” without layering on judgment.
- Allow imperfection: Self-compassion is not about excusing harmful behavior or ignoring growth — it’s about allowing yourself to be human, which includes making mistakes and needing support.
Making Room for Your Feelings
A big part of compassion is making space for what’s true, even when uncomfortable. We tend to pile guilt or comparison onto what we feel: “This isn’t a big deal,” or “Other people have it worse.” But that only adds layers of shame.
What would it be like to let yourself feel what you feel, without minimizing it? To say, “This matters because I’m the one going through it,” instead of trying to justify or explain your pain? Letting your emotions be there doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re being honest. And when we’re honest about what hurts, we can finally start to understand it — and heal.
Compassion Isn’t Complacency
Sometimes people worry that they’ll lose motivation or become complacent if they’re gentle with themselves. But self-compassion is not the opposite of accountability — it makes sustainable growth possible. Harsh self-talk may get short-term results, but it often comes at the cost of mental health and self-worth. Conversely, compassion invites reflection, resilience, and responsibility — all while recognizing your humanity. You can care about making changes in your life and still offer yourself grace along the way.
You’re Not Alone in This
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds nice, but I don’t think I can do it,” — We hear you. It’s not easy. Being kind to yourself when you’re struggling is one of the hardest things to learn. But it’s not something you have to figure out by yourself.
At Awakened Path Counseling, we offer a space to explore these struggles with curiosity and compassion. Whether you’re working through anxiety, grief, trauma, or simply trying to understand your relationship with yourself, we’re here to support you.
You deserve a space where you’re met with care, not judgment. And if you’re ready for that kind of support, we’d be honored to walk with you.
If this feels like the right time to start, reach out to us today. We’re here when you’re ready.
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